Poof Piece No. 10: Australia, it’s you, not me?
As I sit here listening to Romy’s 2023 album Mid Air whilst drinking a glass of red (fittingly called Dubussy), I can’t help but lean into my inner Carrie Bradshaw and wonder “What do I need when it comes to a partner” and will I, in fact find them?
Initially, love for myself didn’t come easy but as I’ve grown, I’ve now come to a place where I have endless love for who I am, and therefore boundaries that are now set in place when it comes to who I give it to.
When I was living in London, I fell in love for the first time with someone else and after that relationship ended, I was filled with a newfound lust for giving myself to others much more freely than I do now. I would go on dates most nights of the week, I would have one-night stands, I would kiss men in parks, pubs and parties like it was going out of fashion. In doing so, I also found out what I deserve in those situations.
London and in any other country I’ve travelled to, receiving love in terms of lovers comes much easier. Is it because I’m more open to receiving it or is it because I’m received more openly? When I arrived in Marseille in June 2022, my first time being back in Europe since lockdown, and the first time travelling as an openly non-binary human. I noticed that men were looking at me differently, they weren’t confused or potentially disgusted, they were curious and far kinder to me. Whether this was a man at the local café, or someone I crossed on the street or at a bar. They were interested and wanted to converse with me. I found this both overwhelming and fascinating. Do Australian “men” just not “get me”?
Story I added to Instagram close friends in Marseille
This brings me to the dating apps, I have them all, Grindr, Tinder, Hinge and Raya. I chose to present differently on Grindr as an experiment where I didn’t give them the femme fantasy that I bring to my everyday life and that is the only app where I have the most success. Sure, it’s designed for one thing (which I rarely, in fact never participate in) but, I found it interesting that even in the inner west, male presenting humans are far happier to engage in conversation with me when I appear more “masc”.
What does this tell me, other than that I am slowly losing faith. In saying that, I definitely flirt with people online, mostly Instagram and I’m beginning to think that maybe I should just bite the bullet and lean into the attention there and go on dates once again and see where it takes me. I need that spark back that 21-year-old Sandy had and embrace it whilst having this newfound knowledge of what I deserve.
Love is what we all want and strive for, whether it’s love for ourselves (first and foremost), love for friends, family and finally to have a love interest. All of these don’t and shouldn’t necessarily come easy. It’s work. It’s constant work. Years pass by and we find ourselves shifting, changing and morphing into our new selves and as this happens, love begins to look different regarding how we give and receive it. So, Maybe the apps aren’t for me, maybe it’s time for me to now embrace the beautiful humans who give me the time of day I deserve. Because at the end of the day, I know my worth, I trust myself and now I’m ready to welcome it.
Stay tuned, I’m about to enter phase one of finding a partner and I shall keep you all updated.
Love,
Sandy