Poof Piece No. 5: “Driving Mx Sandy”
A friend said to me last week when I picked up my rental vehicle in Italy: “It still weirds me out that you drive. You’re supposed to be driven.” Look, she’s not lying. I do, however, consider myself to be a great driver (duh, I have all my demerit points!).
I have to admit, though, when it comes to driving on the opposite side of the road, I want to cry, cringe and count my lucky stars that I’ll make it home safely – yes, I’m dramatic. I now completely understand how Cameron Diaz’s character felt in the film The Holiday where she anxiously drove down the narrow streets within the British countryside. It’s not ideal for this usually “put together” theydy to feel completely out of control, but that’s growth, right?
Now that’s out of the way, I’d like us to take a deep breath in and out before I continue on with what it is that drives me, and hopefully one of you beauties will resonate with it.
On a vanity level, success is what drives me. I’m not sure if it’s because I didn’t grow up with much money or because I existed in an environment where people often overlooked me. I’ve found that there’s always been something to prove, and the older I get, I understand that it’s perhaps me needing to prove to myself that I am in fact capable and worthy. Will this ever change? I honestly don’t know, and the jury is still out as to whether that is a healthy existence for me to lead…I’ll get to the bottom of that with my therapist at a later date and update you all (gorge).
Success, to me, also equates to security. Whether that’s successfully understanding your power within this world, successfully knowing your boundaries or successfully doing something that you absolutely adore. These three examples create security within oneself, for me anyway. We all deserve security, but why does it feel that it comes at a cost? All minorities face lack of security and it frustrates me to the point where I overthink and stress myself out to the point where I sometimes (always) am in a constant state of “fight or flight”.
And the queer community is what drives me to do better – to continuously educate myself on the happenings within to ensure that there is a clear understanding of what has occurred and what needs to be done. We’re a powerful bunch, and the drive that is within us all makes me truly feel gushy inside.
This brings me to Italy. In the week and a bit that I’ve been here, it’s made me think about what has literally actually driven me here. I’ve always had a soft spot for Italy. I vividly remember my late mother coming home from the cinema in 2003 having seen Under The Tuscan Sun and witnessing the sheer happiness exude from her face as if she’d just fallen in love all over again. As soon as it was available at Blockbuster (aww RIP), we rented it and both fell in love with the mystery, adventure, love and possibilities that this place holds. From that moment, we made a pact to go to Tuscany together.
Unfortunately, we were never able to live out that dream of ours, so I made it my mission to come here. The first time I visited was in 2016; I was in my early 20s, holidaying with friends, and had lost my phone the previous week at Brighton Pride and couldn’t afford to purchase a new one until I saved up at work. It was then that I fell in love. I had the most romantic experience with an older gentleman and a Vespa (I’ll elaborate at a later date – it’s too juicy to contain in 1000 words) and had absolutely no cares in the world. To be quite honest with you, that was the first time where I truly felt sexy.
My second time is now. I’m thankfully in a much better financial situation and wanted to do it right. I’ve hired a cottage within a villa and where I’m staying for a couple of weeks. This trip is the trip that my mother and I never got to enjoy – so I guess what I’m saying is that my mother drives me. In fact, now that I think about it, it’s my mother who drives me the most. My father recently asked me why I so often mention her in posts regarding my achievements. I responded saying that I often include mum within posts about my journey because she isn’t here for it. Mum is gone, and this helps me feel as though she’s still a part of my life – as if she’s here by my side.
This wasn’t meant to be piece about my mother, but when I really think about what drives me, it is her. Anyone who’s lost someone close to them can probably relate. Loss is a heartbreaking experience for anyone to go through, and I genuinely never wish it upon anyone.
I’m curious to know: what is it that drives you? Is it a person? A memory? A goal? Of course, we’re living for ourselves – but is there someone else there in the back of our mind who subconsciously assists in getting us across the finish line when we’ve exhausted all our energy?
We’re all going to change, and I know the thing that motivates me will evolve. But right now I flow between Mum, community and career, and I wholeheartedly believe that if anyone from our community succeeds, we’ll all benefit from it.
Love,
Sandy