POOF PIECE No. 14: Christmas Tax
“I’m not owed anything” is a sentiment that many would assume to have negative connotations. While this is true, I promise I’m writing this with positive intent. I think the meaning behind these four words stems from the idea that this time of year can feel overwhelming for most. We’re all expected to give ourselves, our time, our money and our love to family, friends and colleagues as if it is owed to those we’ve spent the past however many years, months or days with and in turn, expect the same in return as if we’re all got our golden ticket at the deli counter waiting for our number to be called.
I feel confident in saying that although a wave of disappointment and sadness can drag me down and pull me under this time of year, I know and understand that I am not owed anything other than the love I have for myself. That to me is the most important thing to acknowledge at this time of year as the idea of “Christmas” is ever changing and evolving. What was a beautiful time spent with family members as a child has grown into a time where I’m reminded how isolating it can be now, which is both a burden and a gift. It’s not anyone’s fault and I don’t hold any malice towards the family members who aren’t in my life anymore as… they don’t owe me anything. Do I deserve their kindness? Well, yes. But, I am ultimately blessed with family and a newfound family who offer me far more than they ever could.
Last year, I decided to start a new tradition where this holiday period would be a chance for me to take myself away and be out of Sydney. My first trip last year was to Bali where I spent a week laying in the sun, taking myself out to fancy lunch and dinners and indulging in myself and for this year, I shall spend it in Naarm. As I’m creating a new life here with new circles, the dreaded question pops up “Will you be seeing your family?” to which I respond with “Nah, family is complicated” and therefore provide an elevator pitch outlining that I love my family but, this time of year doesn’t mean the same for me as it does for others. The constant reminding of myself that ‘It’s fine, I’m fine” plays in the back of my brain where I’m left wondering…am I? The short answer is yes but the long answer, just like my relationship to my extended family is, well, complicated.
Ultimately, I live a blessed and privileged life that I’ll never complain about, but it's always important to acknowledge your feelings and emotions as they pop up and want their inevitable main character moment. This brings me to the idea of “grief”, as this looks different for everyone and if you’ve lost someone dear to you whether that’s in my case, death or otherwise, it’s safe to say that many people in this situation will be left grieving the idea of what this time is supposed to and does mean to so many. I am grieving the memories that were taken away from me and with the remaining years that I have left, if I don’t confront these feelings, they’ll leave a stain reminiscent of red wine on a pearly white tee that becomes even more difficult to remove the longer you leave it to fester.
So, I want to extend my hand, my embrace and my love to those who are left in their own heads during this time of year and let them know that you are in fact, not alone even though you may feel like it. As we grow older, we will try new traditions like they’re hats and some will fit and look like a fedora but one day, you’ll find the perfect wide brim hat that is large enough to provide you with ample comfort to realise that we will be okay. I’m slowly figuring that out for myself and the ultimate realisation is that no matter how old I get, my mother will always be by my side going on this journey, helping me along the way to reaffirm what is working and what isn’t.
Grief is f*cked but, I know that all I am owed in this lifetime is the understanding that I am where I need to be, even if it doesn’t feel natural at first. Anything that forces us to step outside our comfort zones are moments where we’ll come out on the other side with another lesson learnt. I hope this time of year is joyous for everyone and that we’re all able to create new memories that’ll be able to feed us for years to come. One thing that's refreshing and a new feeling for myself is that I’m stepping into a phase of my life where I’m wanting to invite someone into it, who I can create new memories and traditions with. It’s spooky as I’ve been perpetually single for the better part of three years. Eeeeek.
Alas, as I pack up my laptop and head to a nearby restaurant to grab a bite, I want to leave you with this: be kind to yourself and be kind to others because kindness, in my opinion, will always be owed.
Love,
Sandy