POOF PIECE No.15: Not Like That
When one is “new in town”, there's a sense of liberation in the air - a feeling that anything could happen. Two scenarios often unfold: people flock to you like a shiny new toy, curious and eager to engage, or they keep their distance, observing from afar, silently wondering: "What kind of person are you?” before offering you a tentative smile.
Personally, I can’t help but flash my pearly whites at anyone I meet. While this often works in my favour, it can also land me in some painfully awkward situations. My social anxiety tends to spike and I find myself wanting to exit the conversation as quickly as possible. Cue me blurting out something like, “Lovely to meet you, I just need to pop to the loo”, leaving the poor person with questions they most definitely don’t want answered.
Still despite these cringeworthy moments, one thought lingers in my mind: Will any of these new connections be the connection? And yes, I emphasize the connection, because let’s face it - we’re all the lead in our own rom-com, searching for Mr/Miss/Mx. Right.
When I moved to Melbourne, I was luckier than most. I landed on my feet in a gorgeous queer share house where my new friend and housemate created an instagram group chat fittingly titled “Queer Conference”, where they invited 80+ queers to join them in welcoming me to Melbourne. Immediately, I scrolled through the invite list to see who was coming and what was in store for me. I felt like the lead in Bridgerton where I was in fact, the diamond of the season ready for my debutante ball.
The night was magical, I was introduced one by one to a plethora of beautiful angels who waited in line for their turn to say hello. I felt safe instantaneously as if there was a new sense of home upon the horizon. I was laughing, holding hands with friends and strangers as we embarked on our venture to the next bar discussing things that I simply can’t recall now but in that moment, I knew that connections were forming. Within this group there were two prominent figures who stood out. I was instantly attracted to their kindness, looks, warmth and gorgeousness. I wanted to know more, and I was determined to find out what these feelings meant.
Something I hate to admit, is that I have started to dress more masculine. I used to find pleasure in dressing femme, where I’d wear my skirts, dresses and heels. It gave me confidence but I can’t decipher whether I no longer do it because it doesn’t provide me with the same amount of joy or whether it’s because I want to appear more palatable. Both statements can be true and to be honest, I have found immense pleasure dressing more masc and let me be clear! I’m not wearing a football jersey. I’m still donning femme silhouettes but with masculine materials.
For me, it’s been difficult to find love. I haven’t been in a relationship for more than three years and have attended dates with less than five people during that time. It’s not because I don’t think I’m worthy, but I do think I’ve been unlucky in love partly due to my gender identity. I identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. I’m 6ft, have long brunette hair and embrace my hairy chest and long hairy legs like they’re a gold medal worn by the great Simone Biles. I work partly as a content creator and model so, I’m aware that I am more privileged than most, my theory is that it’s not that people aren’t necessarily “attracted” to me, it’s that these gay men have worked so hard with their own trauma where they love being gay and therefore want to be with a man…which I am not. This may be my own insecurities so therefore, the theory is layered and perhaps we can tackle that next time.
In saying that, I felt an immediate connection with these two men where we would go on “friend dates” and I would be left wondering much like Carrie Bradshaw if these men were potentially my Aidan or Mr. Big. We’d laugh, stay out all night, dance, share stories and build a gorgeous new friendship where my libra heart and flirty nature couldn’t differentiate whether this was platonic or lust. Maybe it’s both? But my disadvantage in this situation is that I’ve exclusively only been friends with women besides for the rare cis XY chromosome thrown in. In the past I’ve avoided building on male friendships and now I find it difficult to analyse their intentions. It’s been a learning lesson for me that I’m currently struggling with. For example, last week I went on a friend date with one of the men where after two drinks the conversation turned to sex. We’d discuss what we liked and what we didn't, what our dreams are in terms of partners which we absolutely aligned on. This made me feel a type of way and I was curious if it was the moment where I asked “can I kiss you?”. I obviously chickened out but the curiosity remained.
There is that old saying that people have discussed for centuries which is; Are men and women able to be friends despite their attraction to the opposite sex?. I always thought this question was barbaric but now, I’m wondering how do I, in fact, navigate this in a “same sex” capacity? In this emergency, I’d call my lifeline in the form of my two best friends in Sydney, explain the encounters and ask for advice. They, too, were stumped. The only way I could get an answer was to continue seeing these men to find out for myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is in fact, friendship, partly because I don't possess the vulnerability to ask them otherwise. Could these friendships be relationships or should they purely be friendships. The mature answer is: All friendships are relationships that require work and patience so perhaps I should be patient and find out organically.
Regardless, it’s taught me a valuable lesson that it’s important to step outside your comfort zone and say yes to all encounters that provide you joy. What will be, will be (yawn). But, it’s true. I have opened up my arms and my third eye to a potential fling, relationship and/or otherwise which ultimately is a sign of growth that I’m ready to let someone love me, which is a win. Because even if they say, “I like you but not like that”, how amazing is it that I allowed space for a different outcome. I am shiny, I am worthy and I possess enough love that someone would benefit from.
Love,
Sandy x